Self-Control

Self-control is a skill that allows us to manage our thoughts, actions, and emotions. Each and every day, we use self-control – often without realising it. Waiting in line at the shops, waiting for our turn to speak, sitting still, and listening are all ways we exhibit self-control. Some people experience difficulty with this, and for young people, having trouble with self-control can affect their ability to make and keep friends. Modelling good self-control at home can be beneficial to help children build their own.

Does your child have trouble with self-control?

Children build their self-control skills from a young age and well into their twenties, so it’s important to remember that young people and teens are still developing this. This means they will have challenges and make mistakes at times, and that’s okay. When these challenges and mistakes are frequent and severe, the below behaviours may be signs that they need help with self-control.

• Regular tantrums and outbursts
• Interrupting conversations
• Blurting out answers in class
• Grabbing things instead of asking first
• Cutting in line
• Having a hard time taking turns
• Getting frustrated easily and giving up quickly
• Having trouble listening to criticism

How to help build good self-control:

1. Model self-control

Adults are not perfect either and will have our own struggles with self-control. Being conscious of this around your child is important to help model good habits. This may look like waiting 5 seconds and taking deep breaths before responding if you are feeling angry or frustrated, modelling respectful conversations, and active listening. Being honest about self-control is important. You might say “I’m feeling frustrated about how long this line is, but I’ll take a few deep breaths and be patient” – and this can help your child to recognise that it’s normal to feel these emotions and see firsthand how to control them.

2. Name the feeling

Having the words to explain big emotions can help young people feel more in control and can help them to recognise these feelings before acting on them. Ask your child what they are feeling and why, to help them label it. Then you can brainstorm ways to feel better together. Naming feelings also helps to normalise them, and can deescalate the situation.

3. Praise effort

Telling your young person that you appreciate their effort increases their confidence and shows that you recognise how hard they are trying. Even if things don’t work out, it’s important to state that you know they tried, by saying something like “I can see that you really tried to listen without interrupting, well done. We’ll keep working on it”. Praise is also more likely to help your child to feel more comfortable to come to you when they are struggling with self-control, rather than hiding it for fear of disappointing you.

Kimmy Murchie

Student & Family Counsellor